Funny Jokes No One Heard of

Looking for funny dad jokes to crack up the family? Here's a list of the great dad puns, one-liners, and jokes that you've probably never heard.

Looking for funny new dad jokes, puns, and one-liners? You've come to the right place.

You're talking to an authority on the subject. Not only am I a dad but I'm the author of a clean joke book for kids.

It was a project that almost killed me. Figuratively, of course.

To finish the book, I spent months researching for the best jokes to put into the book.

Here are some of the best dad jokes that made it into the final book and a few more I wish I heard before the book went to press.

Funny Dad Jokes You Might Not Know

• My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
• My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
• What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa.
• What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
• Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it.
• I just nicknamed my new phone "Titanic" so whenever it's charging I can say "the Titanic is synching."
• A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
• Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
• My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
• What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

"My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" "What a strange way to start a conversation with me."

• I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.
• Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
• Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
• The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
• A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."
• "I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."

Have you done any of these "Total Dad Moves"?

"Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse."

• My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.
• How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
• A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we "be positive", but it's hard without him.
• Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
• I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.
• Do you want a box for leftovers?  No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?"
DAD: "I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.

Short Funny Dad Jokes To Remember

Next, here are some short and funny jokes to unleash on the family.

• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers
• I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
• What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
• Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
• How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
• Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
• I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.
• What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

• What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
• Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.
• Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
• Where do you go to learn to make banana splits? Sundae school.
• Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.
• What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.
• What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!
• Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.
• Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
• 5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.

Great One-Liner Dad Jokes

Next, a great assortment of one-liners.

• A guy walks into a bar…and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
• When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
• I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
• The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted.
• If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

RELATED: 100 Jokes For Kids Of Any Age

• I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.
• When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.
• People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
• Two fish are in a tank. One says, 'How do you drive this thing?'
• I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
• I don't suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

Joke Books Every Dad Should Own

1. Dad Jokes: Hall of Shame
2. 101 So Bad, They're Good Dad Jokes
3. Dad Jokes: The Punniest Joke Book Ever
4. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes
5. Dad Jokes: Good, Clean Fun for All Ages!
6. The Everything Big Book of Jokes
7. Dad Jokes: Terribly Good Dad Jokes (Volume 1)

Best Dad Jokes From Redditr/ dadjokes

• What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked
• If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.
• I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
• As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
• I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
• What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
• A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.
• What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
• My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.
• I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents.

20 Jokes For Dads Who Love A Good Pun

• How do you throw a space party? You planet.
• Why can't towels can't tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor.
• What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
• Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
• I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual.
• I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
• Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
• Who invented King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference.
• Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.
• How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.
• A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now.
• Sausage puns are the wurst.
• What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.
• The Energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
• Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy.
• What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
• How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
• My leaf blower doesn't work. It just sucks!

Best Jokes From @dadsaysjokes

"I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer."

"Why is the divorce rate so high with tennis players? To them, Love means nothing."

"I started reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it."

"My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game."

"If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost me an arm and a leg."

"I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament. But good players are really hard to find."

"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle. Attire?"

"What do you call sweat boobs? Humiditties."

'Dad Jokes' With Will Ferrell vs. Mark Wahlberg

More Places To Find Funny Dad Jokes

• 45 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny
• 145 Dad Jokes That Will Have The Whole Family Laughing
• 150 Best Corny Dad Jokes Ever
• 150 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious

Alright, I know you have one, so let's hear it. Leave your best dad jokes in the comments, and if it makes me laugh, I'll add it to the list.

Did you love this article? Subscribe via EMAIL and never miss another one again!

leathermanthandeant1974.blogspot.com

Source: https://amessagewithabottle.com/dad-joke-best/

Share this post